The Life of Kristiane Kat

Lindsey Buckingham!

2006-10-09T23:50:00.000-04:00

Hubz and I went out tonight - an event in itself. The monumental part was that we went to a concert - something that we have not done in the 6+ years since I was pregnant with O.

We saw Lindsey Buckingham. It was very good. He is an amazing guitar player, and he has an interesting mix of songs. Some obviously drenched in his emotion, others that just rock. It was a good show. He played a good amount of Fleetwood Mac, and enough of his solo work. I enjoyed the show!

Check out Lindsey's site to hear one of his new songs: http://www.lindseybuckingham.com

A bad day - getting better?

2006-10-08T21:57:00.000-04:00

Well, today was a bad day. Hubz and I fought this morning - he hurt my feelings and WOULD NOT apologize, so we didn't talk again until about 6 PM. NICE! Of course this is my fault, for not understanding him correctly and for being too sensitive. I feel like he owes me an apology regardless, but... it shall never come!

My hubz has been going through two years of hell. He's been listening to far too much LoveLine podcasts, and self-diagnosing all of his issues from childhood (verbal abuse from his Dad) and has become depressed. Additionally, he has a lot of issues with dealing with his parents. Basically, they are selfish people, and it's pissing him off (not to mention his father was a pretty bad Dad to him as a kid). Granted, they have pissed me off too for making my children at the bottom of their priority list (below curtain rods and $20, which will need to be explained later). I see his point, although I'm hoping that one day he'll sigh and accept it, and move on.

There in lies the problem, however. He will NOT let it go. He explained on Friday that he is vengeful, and when someone pisses him off, he can't just let it go. He said that he hates his parents now, and he won't ever let it go. He said that even one of his former coworkers would notice that he'd be tougher on his employees that had pissed him off in some way. This is not good for the career, so it's good he's now out of management! Anyway, I have only ever known my hubz to be a fairly nice, easy-going guy. So, you can imagine that this is a bit disturbing to me.

I've been married to the guy for 9 years - and certainly have pissed him off plenty in that time. So, if he's going to be vengeful and never forgive me - I'm done. Seriously, how can I always stay on his good side? Roll over and be submissive and do whatever he wants? This is not my personality, so it'll never happen. I'd like to make it work out, but not if he won't forgive my mistakes! It's getting really scary - I want to know what happened to the nice guy I married. Have I made him that horrible by badgering him all the time (his biggest complaint, and he's right), or was it always lying there? Is it the family-stress because we are having such a tough time adjusting to kids (I know, 5 years too late)? Or is it just his personality, and all he's going through?

Anyway, while he was not speaking to me all day, I had plenty of time to consider the outlook alone and with an ex-husband that hates my guts. Not a pretty picture. So, I spoke to him about what we are going to do to move forward. I'll admit that I have issues, so I'm willing to look at them and make some changes. I guess I'll be trying to find a therapist to talk to at some point and work out my problems. I hope that he will try too. I have my doubts, especially since he doesn't think that he does anything wrong. He doesn't even think the venegfulness is wrong - just the way he is! It's exhausting - I don't know that I care enough to fight the fight. If he's not going to put in the effort, I probably won't have the energy. I'm the type of person that'll just live with it and become bitter anyway - hey that sounds just like my Mom! Fantastic, now I'll be just like her... Agh!

It's looking bleak - and now I'm sad.... Send me happy thoughts, please!

Priorities

2006-10-05T22:34:00.000-04:00

A fellow blogger wrote a nice peice about making their child their priority - or their inability to do so. I REALLY can relate to this one.

I have a hard time putting my children in the number one priority slot. In fact, they probably only get there at meal times (so they'll be quiet) and bedtime (so I can finally get a break!).

Here are the things that have a tendancy to come first:
work (definitely)
housework
checking my email
talking on the phone
my comfort
my bad moods
etc., etc.

How pathetic is this???? It's really sad. But, I know that even if I didn't work, it wouldn't be any different. I stayed at home with my kids for 3 very long, very boring years. It was excrutiatingly painful for me. Not at first, when it was just O and I and it was new - but as soon as AJ was born, that was it. It was miserable. It was loud (AJ had acid reflux, which meant a large amount of screaming). It was dull - the same thing every day, minute after minute. Agh, I could never go back!

My job comes to an end at the end of November. There is a lot of discussion around here about if I'll work again after the holidays. And, what it comes down to is, if I can find a good job, and I can find someone to run the kiddo carpool for school, I'm on it. It would be easier now since both kids are in school (AJ only 3 hours, 3 days a week, but still). But, I'm not used to spending all day with them now, so it would be hard. And, I think they would be really bored at home with me!

So, I will try to make the kids a number one priority over housework, phone and email. They are important, and I love them! I'll keep working on this one.

What a drag it is getting old...

2006-10-03T22:17:00.000-04:00

Oh doctor, please... some more of these... (sing along with Mick Jagger here, please...)

This mama needs a little happy pill. I read a lot of blogs, mostly by mamas, and one post by supermom http://selfproclaimedsupermom.typepad.com/ made me wonder - how many mamas are taking happy pills? A lot? Am I the only one that hasn't caught on? And were do you get these so called happy pills? The doctor? I actually considered a career in pharmacy for about 5 minutes yesterday in a quest to get access to such pills. Jeez, what is my brain turning to?

Gosh, if I could get my hands on some good pill - I'd take it. I read about the anorexic looking teen idols who take pills to get so thin (and I think - I need to loose weight). I read about George Michael taking some street drug that makes him pass out in the car (although I read that early symptoms are happy and high like). Where do people get these pills?

And, most importantly, why is it that there really isn't a magic cure pill out there. I mean, really - there must be draw backs to all of these pills. Maybe they're addictive, illegal, they give you acne or make you impotent... Really, can these side effects/risks be worth it?

Some days I think yes - and today is one of them. But, really, it shall not come to pass. I will continue in my drug-free (unless you count caffeine, of course) world and wait for a happier day. One of these days...

Are you ready for some football?

2006-10-01T22:54:00.000-04:00

OK, everyone sing along - "Are you ready for some football? Monday night par-tay!"

I love football season. I love football. Hubs is sitting in his chair now, watching Sunday night football. We watched the Redskins game earlier (miraculous finish) and the VT college game last night (sucky finish - for VT). The greatest thing is that we have TiVo for football this year - we're skipping through all of the dead time, baby!

For the next 12 weeks - then in to the play-off games - we will do nothing on Sunday and Monday nights but watch football. Sometimes with wings and beer, sometimes with M&Ms, sometimes with a hot mug of spiced apple cider. Hubs will keep track of his fantasy team, and I'll offer plenty of time listening to him talk out who to start and who to trade. It's a team effort.

By the end of the season it'll be full-force winter, and we'll mourn the end of another season. We'll spend Sunday's wondering what to do with ourselves. But that is a long way off, the season has just begun!

Let's play ball!

Franchise world...

2006-09-29T14:05:00.000-04:00

Well, I finally decided today that I am bored with living in suburbia! Who would have ever guessed? I love the suburbs. I only feel comfortable in the suburbs. When I travel for work, I hate staying in big cities. I have always lived in the suburbs.

The problem is that suburbs really lack originality. Every store that I frequent is a franchise. Every restaurant I frequent is a franchise (with a few exceptions of locally run restaurants - that have more than one location). The BIGGEST news in my town for months has been the opening of a new grocery store - a franchise of the EXACT same store in the next town over. Even when I travel, I can find all of the exact same stores in any mall that I go to. I use to love this - comfort, reliability, dependence. But I'm feeling it's time to branch out.

This came up today as I was talking to a best friend, with the exact same life as mine (except she's a church-going Christian like everyone else). I told her that hubs and I are going to a concert - small venue, solo artist. I, for once, felt unique. We talked about the "big" franchise shows - Dave Matthews, Jimmy Buffett... I told her I was excited to see this show because it'll be different.

This really made me think about how bland my life is. And, that I really need to spice up my life. Not just for me, but for the whole family. We should not all be subjected to the same old thing all of the time. We need to experience art, culture, music. And I'm not talking pop radio - real music!

So a new goal - once a month, go into the city. See something new. Take O to a classical music concert or a play. Holiday times are near - a great time to see a live production. And, maybe I'll even try to convince hubs to try a new restaurant tonight! Baby steps, baby steps...

Athiest in a Christian world

2006-09-28T23:53:00.000-04:00

OK - time to admit it to the whole (annonymous) world. I am an athiest. I don't believe there is a God, a heaven or a hell. I don't believe that Jesus was the son of any such God, although he might have been a good man. I think that the story of Creationism was a way to explain the unexplainable. I am amazed that SO MANY people really believe that the Bible is the word of some sort of God. However, there are some things I believe in.

I believe in morals. I think they are vital to a good life. I believe that every person should follow a moral code and be good people. I think people can be moral and have good morals without being religious.

I believe that once you die, you are dead - no body, no Heaven, no nothing. I believe that you leave yourself behind in the people whose lives you have touched. The only way to stay "alive" is to live in the memories of others. Therefore, I believe it is important to be a good friend and person, so you will live on in many memories.

My kids go to a Christian preschool. They come home singing Jesus songs and telling bible stories. I think it's OK on some levels, but I feel like a terrible parent sometimes. It's like letting them live a big Santa fairy-tale 365 days a year! And, since I don't agree with many of the explinations of life that they come home with, I have to watch what I say to not undermine their teachers. It's an interesting dynamic, and one I feel bound by frequently.

I hate conflict, so I can't come clean. It's like living in the closet, in so many ways. I don't want people to think I'm a terrible person. I don't want people to waste their time "praying" for my salvation (if I am wrong, there are a lot more important things to pray about). I don't want to end up in a heated debate where I can't counter arguments with facts - because, it's really just my opinion. And, most importantly, I don't want to be cut off. I want my friends and family to love me, and not give them a reason to turn away.

So, I'd like to know - do you believe in God? Why? How did you form this opinion? What is your view of Athiests?

Just for Fun

2006-01-16T18:44:00.000-05:00

After so many depressing posts, I thought I'd do one for fun...

Four Jobs You've Had:
1. Working as a file clerk in summers in my Mom's office in County Government - boring...
2. Working catering for VT catering company - I went to one job, and that was it. For minimum wage I must be able to find something more interesting.
3. Cracker Barrell waitress - after graduating from college I couldn't find a job to save my life. So, I signed up at the local Cracker Barrell. I didn't finish my training before my hubby got a new job and we moved. So long, Barrell.
4. Consignment Store salesman - I've seen some wierd, gross stuff that people actually want to sell. I also bought and wore some stuff. Never again.

Four movies you could watch over and over:
1. Wizard of Oz
2. The Shinning (it still freaks me out)
3. The Sound of Music (only if in a place where I can sing along)
4. Austin Powers, baby

Four Places You've lived:
1. Charleston, South Carolina
2. Arnold, Maryland
3. Blacksburg, VA
4. Haymarket, VA

Four TV shows you love to watch:
1. Seinfield
2. Sopranos
3. Desparate Housewives
4. Life In the ER (gross, but adictive)

Four of Your Favorite Books:
1. Harry Potter
2. Memoirs of a Geisha
3. A Thousand Acres
4. Da Vinci Code

Four Places You've Been on Vacation:
1. Maui, Hawaii
2. Banff, Alberta
3. Kodiak, Alaska
4. Disney World

Four Websites you Visit Daily
1. CNN
2. DVCC net (community website)
3. Mama Tulip's blog
4. Hollywood Rag

Four of Your Favorite Foods
1. Chocolate Chip cookies
2. Mountain Dew
3. Mom's strawberry pie
4. Chipotle burrito

Four Places You'd rather be right now
1. Maui - on the beach
2. On a date with my husband
3. In bed
4. shopping (assuming I had money)

What fun!

I want happiness...

2006-01-15T21:09:00.000-05:00

but what does happiness mean?

I don't come from happy people. My parents are not happy. My grandparents, from what little I know or knew of them, are not or were not happy.

I know what I think are happy people. But I honestly don't know how they do it.

There are times when I am happy. I love my job - I'm REALLY good at it, and it makes me happy when people tell me that, or when I'm doing something that I know is great. When I was in college I was a tour guide - and I LOVED it. I was always happy to take a new family around my beloved VA TECH campus and try really hard to sell them my school. I thought it was the best of all worlds and the best place to go to college.

So why doesn't my life make me happy? Sure, my kids make me smile, my husband makes me laugh, my parents love me. But, I can't stand so many parts of my life. I can't stand it when my kids fight with each other. When my kids are making a ton of noise, I literally feel like my head will explode. Even when my family is having fun, I'm not really all there. I don't feel the highs of excitement with my family. I don't understand why.

My good friend and the best child care provider that I could ask for called me last night to give me 1 month's notice that she is quitting. I cried really hard all night after that, and now I'm crying again. I can't believe it. I understand her family's feelings, but I really can't believe this. My kids are going to be devistated. And, I'm more stressed out than I thought possible. She was the most positive, happy force in my kid's lives, and I don't know how I'm going to relpace that. It's especially hard because I know that I can't give that to them. That more than anything makes me so sad and stressed. I feel like I should make changes to become that for them, but I honestly don't know how - and as I wrote before, even if I can. I need to be true to myself and what makes me happy, but I owe it to them to enrich their life and make them happy. I want them to be happy when they're grown up, and I'm so afraid that I can't teach them that (just as my parents couldn't teach me that).

I'm lost, I'm bewildered and I just want to cry and sleep - just sleep...

Is motherhood for me?

2006-01-10T17:23:00.000-05:00

OK, so being that I have two children it may be far too late for me to be asking this question.

Today, I had one of those experiences where I was trying to talk on the phone, my children were acting out to get my attention, and I blew up. I mean, my kids have been told repeatedly to not disturb me while I'm on the phone (as I frequently need to take calls for work), so they really do know better.

I have long known that I don't have the patience to be one of those "wonderful" mothers. I would like to be a more patient and kid-friendly mom, but I just don't know how to. I have constantly told myself that I need to change, that I need to become Mary Poppins, that I really need to be a different person in order to be a great mother. Luckily, my friend Kelsey is this way, and she watches my kids 3 days a week, so at least that get some glimpses of that perfection!

After the screaming match with my kids (which may have been overheard by the Schwan's operater since I apparently didn't click the 'off' button before I started yelling - I was waiting for the cops to show up at my door), I gave a lot of thought to who I am. For the first time, I decide that I should not strive to be the perfect, Mary Poppins type mother. Maybe I should be me, and work with that.

I don't want to yell at my kids. I don't want to be a mediocre mother. Instead, I need to make my mothering style fit my personality and strengths and strive to be the best I can given my personality. I have certainly done this with my career, why not my mothering? Maybe I need to stop beating myself up, and just learn a different method to control the madness (with my children and in my head).

I also decided today that I shouldn't be a stay-at-home mom. I did it for 4 years - that's enough. I need a balance, and I need to be emotionally and physically available for my kids. Unfortunately for them, I do that best when I do something good for me. What is good for me? Working in a job that I'm really good at. Luckily, I have that job now. If I could just find that balance...

I love my kids. I love them very much. I just don't know if I am cut out to be a mother. I feel badly for them - I don't want them to end up in the shrink's office blaming all of their problems on their bad mother. I want them to be happy. Maybe I need to be happy first...

Salad Dressing Kills

2006-01-05T22:48:00.000-05:00

OK, so I’m trying to be a very healthy eater and stick to my points guideline for my Weight Watchers diet. But, my breakfast did nothing for me today and by 11:30 I was STARVING. I head out of the office for a few errands, and decide to get a nice, healthy salad from my new favorite Mexican joint, Moe’s.

I make the decision – I will not eat rice (unneeded calories, bad). I will not eat the guacamole (while healthy, full of fat and points). I will get a salad with beans and veggies and cheese. I will get some chicken because I’m STARVING and need something to keep me full.

While ordering, the guy behind the counter says “do you want dressing?”. Sure I do. What kind? Chipotle Ranch? Sounds to die for! Yummy. I ask for just a little. He squirts on a TON. Great, but how bad could it be? I’m eating salad!

I get back to the office and begin to chomp away. I head to the Moe’s website to check out the nutritional information. It’s a great site because you pick what EXACTLY went into your meal and it calculates the entire nutritional label you’d find on regular foods. I’m clicking away at my salad entries – so far I’m up to 500 calories, but I got the chicken to fill me up, so I won’t need a snack – it’s OK. I’m up to 20 grams of fat, which is not good (I’ll have to explore what not to include next time to limit that down – I guess no more cheese). I click on the salad dressing checkbox – OH SHIT!!!

What? I’m now up to 825 calories? Wait another minute – I’m now up to 50 grams of fat? HOLY CRAP. I’m dying. I told the guy to only give me a little. Now I’m stuck with eating 50 grams of fat in one serving. What the heck? And, this does not include the fabulous crispy shell that incases my salad – I wasn’t going to eat that, but now that I’ve totally blown it, what the heck?

I will NEVER eat salad dressing in a restaurant again – ever. I will carry my own bottle of fat-free, flavor-free dressing.

I should have just got to McDonalds for a Big Mac.