Is motherhood for me?

OK, so being that I have two children it may be far too late for me to be asking this question.

Today, I had one of those experiences where I was trying to talk on the phone, my children were acting out to get my attention, and I blew up. I mean, my kids have been told repeatedly to not disturb me while I'm on the phone (as I frequently need to take calls for work), so they really do know better.

I have long known that I don't have the patience to be one of those "wonderful" mothers. I would like to be a more patient and kid-friendly mom, but I just don't know how to. I have constantly told myself that I need to change, that I need to become Mary Poppins, that I really need to be a different person in order to be a great mother. Luckily, my friend Kelsey is this way, and she watches my kids 3 days a week, so at least that get some glimpses of that perfection!

After the screaming match with my kids (which may have been overheard by the Schwan's operater since I apparently didn't click the 'off' button before I started yelling - I was waiting for the cops to show up at my door), I gave a lot of thought to who I am. For the first time, I decide that I should not strive to be the perfect, Mary Poppins type mother. Maybe I should be me, and work with that.

I don't want to yell at my kids. I don't want to be a mediocre mother. Instead, I need to make my mothering style fit my personality and strengths and strive to be the best I can given my personality. I have certainly done this with my career, why not my mothering? Maybe I need to stop beating myself up, and just learn a different method to control the madness (with my children and in my head).

I also decided today that I shouldn't be a stay-at-home mom. I did it for 4 years - that's enough. I need a balance, and I need to be emotionally and physically available for my kids. Unfortunately for them, I do that best when I do something good for me. What is good for me? Working in a job that I'm really good at. Luckily, I have that job now. If I could just find that balance...

I love my kids. I love them very much. I just don't know if I am cut out to be a mother. I feel badly for them - I don't want them to end up in the shrink's office blaming all of their problems on their bad mother. I want them to be happy. Maybe I need to be happy first...